I’d much rather Monday morning-quarterback because it’s easer than calling plays on Sunday. My soul wants to save any reflections until I’m on the other side of all this. It is easier to write from a place of strength and a solid pathology result. But I won’t be the first or the last to live in limbo while we march through discovery and treatments. I’m sure I will have much to reminisce in future weeks.
Some of us need to feel the but now.
We don’t all get the privilege of victory before we process the now.
I am happy with the before. And I am at complete peace with the after. I know where I am going and happy to get a ticket on the fast train.
But the now is different.
Now is humbling.
Now is full of questions.
Now is weakness.
Now is knowing that many more folks have much worse things to face than this.
Now is trying to be honest without creating drama.
Now is full of seeking information in some ridiculous attempt to prepare your heart for the worst outcome.
Now is simply not knowing how things will go.
This is where Jesus lives.
The now and the not yet.
We want all the answers right now. We want to know how things are gonna turn out. This is why people seek fortune-tellers. And let’s face it, why some Christians seek people to speak some prophetic word over them. We narcissistically crave fore-knowledge.
This is not a life of faith. This is wanting a cake-walk where every move is calculated to win.
Walking with Jesus takes faith. It takes trust that for good or ill, he is there. Whether a valley is short-lived or long and dark, he has our hand. He is not waiting in the light at the end of the tunnel. He is here now. He is available now. I need not flail like an unsettled infant fighting sleep. I can rest.
I am not good at resting.
Somewhere along the way, I measured my worth with productivity.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t care what I accomplish here.
How many words I write.
How many words I speak.
How may rolls I bake.
How many questions I try to answer.
How many people I invite to my home.
All the things that tempt me to think I have won his approval.
Maybe he just cares about me.
In the now.
Today I will feel the now.